FM 125-4 — Rules Governing Whiskey Stones
HEADQUARTERS, 101st BOURBONBORNE DIVISION · FIELD MANUAL 125-4 · FIRST EDITION
1. Purpose
This manual establishes Division doctrine on whiskey stones.
2. Doctrine
Whiskey stones are geology.
3. Discussion
A whiskey stone chills marginally, dilutes never, and clinks against the glass like a small disappointment. Ice chills and dilutes, which is sometimes the point (see FM 125-3, currently in doctrinal riot). Water opens, which is often the point (see FM 125-2). The stone does neither. The stone is a rock in your drink. The Division has reviewed the matter thoroughly and finds that the stone's principal operational function is to be given as a gift by someone who loves you and does not know what to get you, and its second function is to be received graciously, which is mandatory.
4. Authorized Employment
Whiskey stones are authorized for: paperweight duty; teaching sedimentary, igneous, and metamorphic classification to children; and remaining in the freezer as a permanent memorial to the gift-giving impulse, which the Division honors.
5. Referral
All further questions regarding whiskey stones are referred to the Department of the Interior.
This is the Division's shortest field manual. It did not need to be longer.