FM 1-0 — Rules of Engagement: Bottle Shares
HEADQUARTERS, 101st BOURBONBORNE DIVISION · FIELD MANUAL 1-0 · FIRST EDITION
1. Purpose and Scope
This manual governs the conduct of all personnel participating in bottle shares, tastings, club nights, and any gathering at which more than two bottles and more than two opinions are present. It applies equally to hosts, guests, and the guy nobody remembers inviting who is already holding the Weller.
2. Fundamentals
2.1. Proportionate force. Personnel shall bring bottles proportionate to what they intend to consume. The operative who arrives with an airline miniature and departs having produced tasting notes on someone's fifteen-year store pick has committed a Schedule of Offenses violation and, worse, everyone noticed.
2.2. Pour for others first. The first pour from any bottle you brought belongs to somebody else. This is not generosity doctrine; it is the entire reason the Division exists, expressed in two ounces.
2.3. The host's unicorn is opened by the host. Personnel shall not suggest, hint, gesture toward, or stand meaningfully near an unopened allocated bottle in the host's home. If the host opens it, the correct response is gratitude and a small pour. If the host does not, the correct response is nothing. The bottle can hear you.
2.4. Newcomer protection. The newest drinker in the room receives the best pour of the night, an explanation without condescension, and zero pop quizzes. Personnel administering surprise blind exams to newcomers will be reassigned to Palate Recovery for attitude evaluation.
3. Prohibited Conduct
The following constitute engagement violations: photographing another operative's shelf without consent; announcing secondary values of any open bottle (“you know what that's worth, right?” is an Ambush Appraisal under FM 9-0 and will be treated as such); the word “smooth” past its first use; declaring any pour “basically Pappy”; and asking the host “what else you got” while the current pour is still in your glass.
4. Hype Metering
When an allocated or legendary bottle is opened, personnel shall permit the whiskey to be evaluated as whiskey. The regulation interval between the pour and the first person saying “I mean, for the price though—” is ninety seconds. Blue Glencairn peacekeepers are authorized to enforce this interval by conspicuous throat-clearing.
5. Withdrawal Procedures
Personnel shall depart with the bottles they brought unless explicitly instructed otherwise, all of their own glassware, none of anyone else's, and a designated driver or rideshare. The Distinguished Abstention Cross exists, is the third-highest decoration the Division awards, and is the only one that comes with free drinks forever. Plan accordingly.
Annex A — The One-Sentence Version
Bring fairly, pour first, honor the host, protect the newcomer, and shut up about the price.